Other Adages for Sailors

McSWEENEY’S

A hazy circle round the sun or moon, life jackets are not to be worn as a makeshift hats and I don’t care if yours blew overboard that’s not my problem.

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Stars to ye right, tie the jib tight. Stars to ye left, we’re not paying you to sit out here and look at the goddamn stars all night, OK?

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When swells roll steady from east to west, everyone on this boat is responsible for cleaning up their own vomit, absolutely no exceptions.

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A pod of dolphins at your bow, don’t everyone rush to the front at the same time please, it’s fucking dangerous.

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Evening red and morning grey, the next person who fires a flare because they “want to see how it looks” is staying on the boat when we dock in Phuket, is that clear?

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If the wind bears the scent of lavender afore noon, grab a plunger and meet me in the crew toilet in ten minutes.

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Yellow sky at night, why why why would you start a fight with the ship’s cook, the one guy on this boat with access to knives?

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Should a mob of gulls follow your mast, I thought I told you morons to stop feeding the seagulls.

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Dense fog arriving swiftly at dawn, no one on this boat wants to hear you singing Bob Marley songs in your bunk every night so cut it out.

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Awake to dew still fresh on the grass, you got drunk and passed out in port again and the boat is definitely gone.

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Should a crow released be flying dead straight, just follow that son of a bitch obviously.

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Clouds in the shape of a buxom young lass, that’s inappropriate and we absolutely will not tolerate an environment that is hostile towards women on this boat.

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Orange sky at morning, are you absolutely sure it’s not red? Completely, positively, 100% certain?  That looks pretty red to me. If it’s actually red and this shit gets real, your ass is mine.